The required façade of belonging to the “I’ve Got It All
Together Club” was all consuming and exhausting. It became too much to keep up
with. The need to hide every emotion, hurt, or fear so deep within, was
draining me, killing me, the real me, ever so slowly. I couldn’t let up, I had
to continue on. It is what was expected of me after all. I could never let
those I am ministering to ever know that I too struggle with the very same
things they do. I too have fear, anxiety, and moments of doubt. I was too
afraid to share my heart, too afraid to show my insecurities. My thinking was “who
wants to follow someone who can’t get their act together?”
I remember that a pastor friend of mine used to always say
to his church staff, “Fake it till you make it!” In other words, you have to
have the appearance of “everything is alright”…even if it wasn’t. Every time I
think of this my mind goes back to something that Dan Reeves, who at the time
was the coach of the Denver Broncos, said in an old television commercial for
an antiperspirant, “…never let them see you sweat.” This same sentiment had
been echoed over and over to me in my 25 plus years of ministry involvement.
Now I understand what they are trying to say, and their
intentions may be good, but when it comes to the things of Christ, it’s ok to
admit we don’t have it all together. He can, wants to, and will use us WITH our
deficiencies. “But he said to me, "My grace is
sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I
will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may
rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV
Here it is, several years removed from that time. I am older
and wiser (yeah…right) and I am still reconditioning myself, reprogramming
myself if you will, to be vulnerable, open. I don’t have to have all the
answers. I don’t have it all together. Let’s face it no one does. And anyone
who has you convinced that they have it all together is probably just a better
liar than most.
I read a the book “True Faced” a few years back and it
helped me tremendously in recognizing just how much bondage I was living in. If
you haven’t read it, I would highly recommend that you do so.
One of the authors of this book and my friend, whom I have
never met in person, John Lynch, gives a beautiful, troubling, compelling
message about “Two Roads, Two Rooms.” In this message he talks of how we are wearing
masks, hiding who we really are, afraid of what others might think of us when
they see our flaws.
Not only do we do this in front of people, but we laughingly
try to do the same thing with God, when He knows everything there is to know
about us. All of our sordid details, hidden fears, massive insecurities and
numerous other things we think we have hidden within.
Well….to all of you out there that know me, and those of you
who don’t, NEWSFLASH….I’m Broken…And That’s Ok!
