I'm Broken, And That's Ok!

The required façade of belonging to the “I’ve Got It All Together Club” was all consuming and exhausting. It became too much to keep up with. The need to hide every emotion, hurt, or fear so deep within, was draining me, killing me, the real me, ever so slowly. I couldn’t let up, I had to continue on. It is what was expected of me after all. I could never let those I am ministering to ever know that I too struggle with the very same things they do. I too have fear, anxiety, and moments of doubt. I was too afraid to share my heart, too afraid to show my insecurities. My thinking was “who wants to follow someone who can’t get their act together?”

I remember that a pastor friend of mine used to always say to his church staff, “Fake it till you make it!” In other words, you have to have the appearance of “everything is alright”…even if it wasn’t. Every time I think of this my mind goes back to something that Dan Reeves, who at the time was the coach of the Denver Broncos, said in an old television commercial for an antiperspirant, “…never let them see you sweat.” This same sentiment had been echoed over and over to me in my 25 plus years of ministry involvement.

Now I understand what they are trying to say, and their intentions may be good, but when it comes to the things of Christ, it’s ok to admit we don’t have it all together. He can, wants to, and will use us WITH our deficiencies. “But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV

Here it is, several years removed from that time. I am older and wiser (yeah…right) and I am still reconditioning myself, reprogramming myself if you will, to be vulnerable, open. I don’t have to have all the answers. I don’t have it all together. Let’s face it no one does. And anyone who has you convinced that they have it all together is probably just a better liar than most.

I read a the book “True Faced” a few years back and it helped me tremendously in recognizing just how much bondage I was living in. If you haven’t read it, I would highly recommend that you do so.

One of the authors of this book and my friend, whom I have never met in person, John Lynch, gives a beautiful, troubling, compelling message about “Two Roads, Two Rooms.” In this message he talks of how we are wearing masks, hiding who we really are, afraid of what others might think of us when they see our flaws.

Not only do we do this in front of people, but we laughingly try to do the same thing with God, when He knows everything there is to know about us. All of our sordid details, hidden fears, massive insecurities and numerous other things we think we have hidden within.

Well….to all of you out there that know me, and those of you who don’t, NEWSFLASH….I’m Broken…And That’s Ok!